You know you’re in trouble when your friends (usually so respectful of your personal choices and wise decisions; friends who look to you for counsel in their own moments of confusion and dilemma ), when your friends are “concerned.”
“Concerned.” Euphemism for you are frightening me. You are in danger, girl. You make no sense, you are taking unnecessary risks, you are not protecting yourself, you are being stupid and you are frightening me, so stop it already.
I reassure them. It’s not that bad. I know what I’m doing. I have it under control. He wouldn’t really do anything.
Hell, even I don’t believe it anymore. But, sometimes safety is not the highest priority. So, I don’t tell them as much as I used to.
An abuser will isolate you. If nothing else, your embarrassment will isolate you all on its own.
But they weren’t there! In our summer of love. They weren’t there!
He wasn’t always named Stalker. In high school, our crowd called him, “The Barbarian.” His second girlfriend called him a monster.
His first love – his only love — his lover ended their relationship, and his tenuous hold on sanity, with a single gunshot to her chest.
“She was a physician. She knew how to do it.”
She did what??
Stalker spent weeks gearing up to tell me the story. One night, after feeding me intimations and innuendos for weeks, he finally he drew a deep breath. It was 5:00 am in New York, on his end of the phone. And he had enough vodka to be morose but not enough to be belligerent.
“I’ll tell you. But I’ve never told anyone the whole story.” Tell me.
“It was 35 years ago. March 21. 35 years ago.”
He had been 22, a college student. She was a friend of his brother’s. She was a 30-year-old doctor, finishing up her residency at the university hospital. She was a doctor. She knew how to do it with one bullet. The gun only had one bullet. “She knew what I would have done if there was a second one.”
“One day I will save her. She is waiting for me, in the seventh circle of hell. I killed her, and I will save her.”
You killed her?
“I will start at the beginning so you will understand. I will tell you everything, and then you will understand.”
to be continued . . .